Hugs & Happiness July 22, 2008

I’ve written a lot of posts about being bummed/depressed/whatever the case may be.  This time, I’m writing because I’M HAPPY!!!

 

Today I went to my least favorite store in the world because it is the cheapest place to get stuff and I don’t make much money but have to buy most of the supplies for my classroom.  I was annoyed by something before I even walked through the door.  The annoyance only grew as I walked through the store - just being in the building pissed me off, there are a ton of people there and people are dumb, and I couldn’t find a few things.  But you know what?  Driving home, I was still in a good mood.  This has never happened to me before.  Usually when *everything* seems to be annoying me it means I’m in a totally shitty and most likely depressed mood.  Today was the opposite - easily annoyed yet happy as hell.  I love it!

 

~*~*~

I love hugs.  I think hugs are the greatest thing ever.  I’m very lucky to have a family that isn’t afraid to be affectionate.  I haven’t always been so keen on hugs.  In my pre-teen/teen years I was *extremely* anti-hugs.  That’s normal to a certain degree but it was really extreme for me.  But, thankfully I grew out of that!

 

A friend once told me that for optimum mental health, a person should get 9 hugs a day.  I don’t know how accurate that theory is but one can’t deny that hugs usually “help” a person.  Hugs are one thing I really miss about having a boyfriend.  I *loved* when Hunter hugged me.  Despite the fact that I’m dominant, I still enjoy the feeling I get when I’m hugged by a guy I care about - so protected and safe.  I really, really miss that.

 

My group of friends isn’t extremely affectionate.  For the most part, my college friends and I only hugged at the beginning and end of school years.  Our senior year we hugged a little more - we had grown extremely close and we knew the end was near.  I always craved more though.  Sometimes I’d be in a totally great mood and just want to hug someone!  But I would refrain because they just weren’t huggy people. 

 

The night I met Lisa I felt like I wanted to hug her before we left.  How weird is that?  We’d just freaking met! But right off the bat I’d felt a connection to her and we’d discussed a lot of deep stuff despite the fact we’d just met.  Of course I didn’t hug her though - any sane person would have slapped someone who tried to hug them the first time they met (except in romantic settings or special circumstances of course).  A part of me still wants to hug her when I see her or when we say goodbye.  It’s odd because I’ve never had a friend I’ve felt like that with before.  I was thinking and the best way I can describe her is a “sister-heart.”  It’s pretty sweet.

Socially awkward July 20, 2008

I met Lisa’s fiance/dom (she uses the term “Daddy” most frequently) last night - I’ll call him Landon.  It went well.  Actually, I’d say it didn’t go badly. It was nothing too exciting really.  This is only the second time I’ve spent time with a D/s couple.  The first time was with a couple that was pretty lax about it and I was dating them so it was a lot different.

 

I kind of feel like I acted like an idiot last night.  When I’m nervous I get quiet but do this smile/giggle thing.  I hate it.  I did it a lot last night.  I don’t know why I was *so* nervous.  It was just weird because I know their “secret” and I’m not sure if they’ve ever really spent time with anyone else who knows.  Plus, Landon’s good friend was there, whom Lisa had wanted me to meet.  But, he brought his mom so that was a little awkward.  When all five of us were hanging out I was totally quiet.  I said next to nothing.  I am so bad at making conversation.  But when just Lisa and I were hanging out talking I was my normal chatty self.  I thought I was getting past my social anxiety a little - obviously not!! Grrrr.

 

I’d seen a picture of Landon before and he kind of looked like a softie teddy bear type person.  And that is true to a certain degree - he is a gentile, thoughtful person.  But since I knew he was dominant in their relationship, I felt that more than the softie part when we met.  He wasn’t harsh or anything like that - quite the opposite actually. It was a totally normal vanilla metting. But I knew that other side was there.  Looking back, I think I was a little intimidated by him.  Even though his dominance has absolutely nothing to do with me, I was worried about messing up somehow, which is just stupid.  I was not able to look at him as just a person - it was always as a dominant.  That is extremely puzzling to me.  I wonder how I would react if I were to go to a munch and interacted on a vanilla level with other doms there. 

 

Sometimes I really just don’t get me. LOL.

Oldies July 19, 2008

Texts from Hunter….

wanna know a secret?  i love u and miss u tons already

u do such a good job of making me happy baby

omg i want u so bad baby i can’t get u out of my head

you should get that fine ass back to ur computer. please

night baby i’m home and going to bed to dream about you. love ya lots

i must admit i’m drunk and could use some quality time in chessa

guess what somebody loves you!  yep thats right its me baby

love u

hope u have a good day at work and sorry for being rude earlier u dont deserve that and i love u and miss u tons

im home love u babe

night sexy momma sleep well i miss you

(after being told to text me about what he thought about while wacking it…after we’d been broken up about 2 weeks) surprisingly not even thinking about being beat by u or how sweet u taste couldnt get my mind off watching ur ass (im pretty sure i could just worship ur ass) but thinking about u doggy is what finally did it.

The rest are after we’d been broken up a couple weeks…

i would love nothing more than to be at ur feet right now

i know my place babe and i like it

 

I know, it’s silly that I still have them - most are months old.  I’d forgotten about them but had to clean out my text mailboxes so I re-read the ones I’d saved.  There were a lot more from him of course, these were just some I’d saved for some reason - some of my favorites I guess you could say.  Of course taking this walk down memory lane does make me miss him but such is life.

Sadly, I have to admit that part of me feels the need to post them because I feel like he never cared about me, that when people hear the story of him and I they think I was totally foolish and blind for seeing that he didn’t really care about me.  Even though these kinds of feelings are easy enough to  lie about, I know he meant it when he said he loved me.  He just loved me in his own way, which just wasn’t enough.

Life’s funny like that July 18, 2008

I have this new friend, Lisa, that I’ve written about here before.  She is so awesome.  We totally click.  In a nutshell, she’s the person I *want* (but don’t have the drive) to be.  We were totally meant to meet and become friends at this point in time.  I’m convinced.

 

Her first message on Fetlife arrived about the time things were falling apart (for good) with Hunter.  I needed someone then, someone I could talk to that knew the whole story.  I know I talked a fair amount about Hunter and I the first time we met - the wounds were still very fresh at that point, but I haven’t a whole lot since then.  We have so much in common that is not related to D/s that we haven’t gotten into too much detail about that aspect of our lives (we definitely talk about it, just not as at length as a lot of other topics).  Being able to really talk it all out the first time we met with someone who understood helped immensely.  Yeah, I’d gone over the whole thing with my therapist but she didn’t really “get” me.  Lisa did - even though she’s submissive.  Plus, just knowing someone who knew the whole story was available to talk made a *huge* difference. 

 

I’ve also been going through an adjustment time socially.  In college I had the most amazing group of friends.  I was lucky enough to live with good friends all four years and the ones I didn’t live with, lived close.  Then we all graduated.  Of my closest friends, only one stayed in the state (and luckily, in town).  All of a sudden I went from having social network around me 24/7 to having one friend in town.  It was an adjustment.  Not to imply I don’t have other friends - I do.  There are a few former co-workers I have stayed close with but they’re all older.  Seeing them every other week-ish just wasn’t the same as hanging out with friends all the time.  A few weeks before Lisa contacted me, I found out my last good college friend in town was moving to another state.  I was totally bummed.  I was especially bummed because she knew about my sexual lifestyle choices (though she didn’t totally get them, she didn’t judge me either), and we had a TON in common in regards to politics and where religion was concerned, she was/is the only one in my life who gets my beliefs.  Even though we’d still be able to talk and keep in touch, it wouldn’t be the same as having her here to talk to.

 

Enter Lisa.  The more we chat, the more we find we have in common.  Politics and religion can be iffy issues to discuss so naturally they didn’t come up right away but slowly they have and much like my college friend, she gets where I’m coming from with so many issues.  More than once I’ve shared with her things I’m not proud of thinking/feeling/doing and she hasn’t judged me at all.  Last night there was one instance where I confessed something and her reaction was something along the lines of, “Me too!”  Hehe.

 

She obviously entered my life at a good time for me.  And the same could probably be said for the timing in her life too.  Her fiance recently changed shifts so she went from spending every evening with him to basically only seeing him on the weekends.  It was a difficult adjustment for her and I think she has appreciated having someone to fill her evenings every now and then.  Yesterday she texted me, wanting someone to talk to about her ex-husbands recent appearance in her life once again.  I’m glad I had the evening free and was able to stop by for a chat.  It seemed like her spirits were lifted by the time I left.  I hope that was the case at least.

 

Sometimes life has a funny way of just working out.  It’s things like this  - perfect timing and perfect people - that make life so great.

Chopped Liver July 16, 2008

That’s what the kids called me yesterday while we were mini-golfing.  Ironically enough, it was a term of endearment. 

 

~*~*~

 

“What do you do when you realize all your dreams have come true?” -Coyote Ugly

 

That’s how I was feeling last night when I got home from work.  I had an awesome time mini-golfing with my kids and a kick-ass meeting with the other preschool teachers and our bosses after work.  I found out I’m going to be salary in the fall!  That may not sound like a big deal but it made me feel really “grown-up”. LOL.  I’ll have a 9 month contract and during the summer months (when it’s more of a daycare setting), go back to hourly.   And, we get a NICE bonus at the end of the school year.  Also, because of new state requirements I need to take some more college classes.  I was planning on starting grad school next year but will start school of some sort this fall I guess.  I’m really excited to be a student again - as cheesy as it sounds, I love learning!!

 

Plus, last night I was planning a scavenger hunt for my kids for today (they loved it!) and doing almost anything school related makes me happy.  AND, I had the most delightful dinner with my friend Lisa.  She’s one of those people that just always has thus peaceful aura about her.  How can one not be happy spending time with someone like that?

 

So, yeah. I was in a super great mood last night.

 

Tonight, I almost got choked up when my sister told me I had to turn down the thermostat 1 degree.  I think part of the reaction was because I felt like I’d gotten in trouble for turning it *all* the way down to 80 degrees (seriously, what’s the point of even having central air?)  I’m planning to go to the Y tomorrow morning so I’m hoping that helps me rebound a bit.

Awkward July 14, 2008

I try to be mature, I really do.  But, showering at the gym took me a while to get used to.  I’ve never been in a room full of naked women.  In junior high we didn’t sweat enough to shower after p.e. (though looking back, we probably should have!), I only played softball in high school where showering after a game wasn’t an option, and in college there were private shower stalls. 

 

Most of the naked ladies in the locker room at my gym are old.  They’ve lived enough to know it doesn’t really matter.  I have yet to see anyone my age walking around naked.  The younger crowd is still self-conscious (or so it seems) and either avoids the locker room altogether or spends as little time in it as possible.  So, maybe I’m not that weird for feeling awkward.

 

The awkwardness has started to fade though.  I don’t think about the fact that I’m naked and other people can see me.  I’m able to mentally block that I guess.  And the naked old ladies with boobs down to the floor who haven’t shaved their cootches in a few decades (it’s impossible NOT to see a bush like that!) don’t bother me much anymore either.  I just don’t notice their nakedness.

 

Except for one woman.  Every damn morning there is one woman in the locker room who is showering and getting ready at the exact same time I am.  It’s not her nakedness that bothers me - it’s her presence in general.  See, she was my college professor, then a couple years later I went to her for a therapy session or two.  I know quite a lot about her sex life with her husband - she taught a marriage class that my roommate and her boyfriend attended and after every class they’d come back with some sex-related story she’d tell that we would then giggle over.  AND, her husband is my sisters therapist (I may live in a “city” but it is freakishly small town-like).  During their sessions he has discussed their marriage - never sex but just their marriage in general.  Plus, we both know who the other is. I don’t know if she recognized me the first time but she’s definitely recognized me since.  But, we haven’t really acknowledged each other.  Delaying it has just seemed to make it more awkward. 

 

~*~*~

Speaking of naked old ladies, there was one at the pool today.  No, she wasn’t out swimming laps in the nude, she was in the locker room area.  I had a group of third grade girls with me and they just stared at her!  I had to basically yell at them multiple times to get their attention diverted.  I was so embarrassed. 

 

~*~*~

I am in charge of the 3rd graders at my daycare.  I’ve talked about my theory about when kids go bad before.  I’ve had the damnedest time getting them to help me with anything!  I can ask the class ten times if someone can wipe the tables after lunch for me and no one will say a word.  If I ask them directly, they’ll do what I ask but they sure as hell won’t volunteer for anything.  For a while I was giving them a few skittles - not every time they helped - just every now and then.  But, I’m not one for promoting candy and such.  So today I started a sticker reward system.  They can earn a sticker a day by helping me and being respectful to me and (almost more importantly) to each other.  When they They were like angels today!  There was mud on the floor and they cleaned it up without me saying a word, and there were many other instances.  It was just wonderful.

 

~*~*~

I feel old.  I always thought 23 was pretty young.  But I found out today that pretty much everyone I work with is younger than me.  Some of them aren’t younger by much, but younger nonetheless.  Three of ‘em have kids (all under the age of 2) and those three are getting married within the next two years.  The other two are living with their significant others and engagement is just around the corner.  I feel like such an old loser!

What’s in a name? July 13, 2008

I was talking to my friend Carter last night about the name I use on here - Chessa.  Despite the fact that he’s probably read about every post I’ve written, he missed the fact that I call myself Chessa.  He thought the name was pretty sexy.  Not to toot my own horn but I’d have to say I think the name is kind of sexy too.

 

I didn’t pick it for that reason though.  I actually picked the name years ago, long before I’d ever thought of this blog.  Three years ago I dated a couple for a short time.  She was a web designer and all smart-like with computer stuff.  We decided to do a blog about our poly (and slightlyD/s) relationship.  All three of us put a lot of thought into picking our online names.  Chessa was the one I settled on.  I broke it off before we were able to get the blog up and running but I’d fallen in love with the name so it was the logical choice when I started this blog.

 

When I picked the name I tried to think of things that were important to me - something that would really encompass who I am.  I was almost hippie-like in college (I even protested at the Pentagon!!) and was active with a variety of social justice causes.  [I'm still fairly socially active but sadly some of the intensity has faded since college.]  So, I looked for a name that meant “peace” but couldn’t find one.  However, I did find one that meant “peaceful” - Chessa.  Plus, the name has Slavic origin and that’s my primary heritage so it was just perfect!

 

When I told Carter what the name meant he got quite a chuckle.  He pointed out that it’s ironic because most of the things I wrote about were not peaceful.  That irony has dawned on me before - not just in relation to the name but to who I am in general.  Injustices in society make me wanna vomit and I’m opposed to pretty much anything related to violence (even though I admit, my language isn’t always completely kind hearted.)  And yet I get off on beating men.  Just another of life’s mysteries I guess

On the same page July 11, 2008

My head and my heart are definitely not on the same page.

 

Last night I started missing Hunter really bad.  It didn’t get any better today.  It actually got worse.

 

Walking home from work today a song I was listening to reminded me of something I didn’t like about him - one more reason why he isn’t right for me.  I realized that all the things I talk about not liking about him, all the reasons I list for why it’s good that we broke-up are my heads way of trying to get my heart to catch up with it.  I HATE it!!  Life would be so much easier if we could control our feelings. 

 

But, I’m trying to look at the bright side - at least I only feel this way once in a while and not every day.  /sarcasm (well, kinda).

Doped up July 9, 2008

I am an awful drunk.  I’m not a mean drunk, I’m a chatty drunk - as in I say *everything* I’m thinking.  I have absolutely no censor when I’ve been drinking.  I don’t ever tell private stuff about others, but I do tell plenty of private stuff about myself.  I’m aware of what I’m doing/saying and that I probably shouldn’t say/do it but I just don’t care.  It’s as if my frontal lobe disappears when I’m drunk.

 

That is exactly what I’m like after I’ve taken my sleeping pills.  Sleeping pills + Hunter = Bad idea.

 

Hunter immed me last night right before I was about to sign off for the night, right about the time my sleeping pills were beginning to kick in.  He was really nice - made general conversation and was somewhat chatty, which has been unusual for him lately.  The reason he’d immed me was to get his e-mail password (supposedly he’d forgotten it) but like I said, he was chatty.  It meant a lot to me that he didn’t just im me saying “what’s my password?” and that’s it.  But, as I talked to him I realized that a no b.s. approach like that probably would have been better for me.

 

I, of course, was dying to know if here was anything between him and Alicia but I know better than to ask a question if I’m not prepared for what the answer may be.  But the longer we talked, the harder and harder it became not to ask - to fight the urge to ask.  I eventually caved and ask.  His answer was simply, “eh, not really.”  I took that to mean he’s probably doing her but not officially with her (dejavu?) 

 

I have my moments when I miss him but in general I’m not really sad - I’m back to being my normal happy self.  But chatting last night was rough.  The longer our chat window was open, and the more my sleeping pills kicked in, the harder it was for me to keep my feelings quiet.  I became frustrated and all the feelings I had for him hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wanted to ask him (for the thousandth time) why I wasn’t good enough for him, what changed between us, did part of him still want me?  I knew that wouldn’t get me anywhere though.  The longer we stayed online the harder it got for me not to start in on those things again.

 

Eventually I said something along the lines of while it meant a lot to me that he was actually talking to me, I just wasn’t ready to take that step - it was too hard for me, that I was okay talking if it was to the point and short, but chit-chat was just too much at the moment.  He simply said, “okay, bye.”  Yeah, he’s a sweetheart. 

 

I woke up this morning and honest to god the first conscious thought through my mind was “Please tell me that did not happen!”  First, I cannot believe even chatting with him had that kind of effect on me.  If I hadn’t been out of it I know it wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much.  Second, I cannot believe I told him it bothered me so much!  I don’t know why but I really feel the need to hide any pain caused by him/us from him.  I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I still want him despite the fact that he’s moved on. I know, it’s petty.

 

The biggest thing is that I don’t want him to tell me to bug off for good.  I don’t want him to get tired of my roller-coaster of emotions - one day I’m okay being friends, the next I just can’t do it.  That’s not fair to him and any person would get fed up with it.  I don’t want to burn the friendship bridge with him (despite the fact deep down I do believe we are incapable of being just friends). 

 

I’m hoping that continuing to not talk to him for a while will do me some good.  The past couple of weeks have been fairly easy because he was on vacation with Alicia and therefore never online.  But lately he’s been online and that creates the temptation to talk to him.  I’m hoping that in a week I’ll be used to seeing him online and it will start to not even phase me. 

 

Man, I am messed up!

 

~*~*~

Next week I have a meeting with my boss and the other preschool teachers at the center where I work.  I’m psyched!  Psyched about a meeting?  Told ya I was messed up!  I’m just so excited to start planning for the fall, to learn from my co-workers, and feel like a “real” teacher!  It still hasn’t totally hit me that I have a set-in-stone job and I’m officially a professional.  For the past 5 years I’ve worked temporary jobs where I was just a minion.  Yeah, it’s the little things that thrill me.

Being a good person….er, trying to July 8, 2008

I try to be a good person.  I know I fail at it sometimes but really, I do try.  I can’t say I’ve always been like that - if you got on my bad side when I was in high school I was a royal bitch (not to imply I was one of “those” popular type mean girls - I definitely wasn’t).  Then again, a girl almost has to be a bitch if she wants to survive those horrific years.  Considering I barely survived them, perhaps I wasn’t all that much of a bitch. lol.

 

Anyway, like I said, I try to be a good person - to do the right thing.  I had/have Hunter’s e-mail password.  He hasn’t changed it since we broke-up.  I’ll admit, I do check it from time to time.  Trust me, I am utterly ashamed of this.  I don’t do it often and I can’t say I do it because I care all that much.  I know that sounds like a load of shit but there is truth to it.  Sure, I am curious as to what he’s up to - I miss him.  But, he doesn’t get much besides junk mail so there isn’t usually anything of substance.  I mostly check it because I’m bored.  I had a laptop throughout college and therefore got extremely attached (you know, I was on it all the time doing homework, lol).  I’m on my computer A LOT and after awhile a person runs out of things to do (at least that’s the case with me).  So, after I’ve checked every one of my thousand e-mails, caught up on the bagillion blogs I read, scanned all of the news sites I have bookmarked and a load of other things, I get bored.  If I get too bored I resort to checking his e-mail, as a way to entertain myself for another 25 seconds. 

 

I texted him last week saying he should change his password, and immed him about it today.  He knows I check it.  He knows he needs to change it.  I don’t do it to be a bitch, I do it because I’m weak.  But, he hasn’t.  Hmmmm….interesting, eh?

At least I can take comfort in knowing I do have some semblance of class - unlike his best-friend (Alicia - possibly now his girlfriend - big surprise there), and his ex-girlfriend (Sarah) - both of whom got into his e-mail without his knowledge in order to get info. about me.  (Wow, does that sound high school-ish or what?)

 

~*~*~

Being a teacher does have certain drawbacks that most people don’t realize.  For one, it can be unbelievably tough to find baby names.   Odds are a teacher has had students with 90% of names known to man, and 3/4 of those students have been little shits.  The conversation between a newly expectant couple would go something like this:

Spouse: Adam?

Teacher: No, I had an Adam once.  He picked his nose and ate his boogers.

Spouse: Zach? 

Teacher: No, I’ve had lots of Zachs.  Too many of them were just naughty.

Spouse: Chris?

Teacher: No, I had a Chris once.  He brought a gun to school.

Spouse: Aiden?

Teacher: No, I had an Aiden once.  He hit me and pushed other kids.

 

Okay, so it isn’t quite *that* bad but ask about any teacher, it does make naming kids more difficult.

 

I discovered another thing today that isn’t so great.  Association.  We associate things with memories.  For instance, when I hear the song “Low” by T-Pain (it pains me to admit I even like a song by someone with such a ridiculous name) I think of a night I was fairly drunk and was dancing very inappropriately with some hot stranger at this dive of a bar.  But today the song came on the radio during a bus ride and one of the 7 year olds started singing it.  So, now I also associate it with a little girl named Amanda.  Having those two memories flash through my mind pretty much simultaneously is just wrong!  So, that song is officially ruined for me.

 

I tell ya, teachers just don’t make enough to put up with shit like that! lol